My Labor Day Weekend plus Need some Mom Advice!
How was your long weekend?? I had the best Labor Day ever! Sage, Brecken and I went to Midway, Utah Saturday, Sunday and Monday (my mom and two sisters joined us). There is a HUGE celebration called Swiss Days that happens every Friday and Saturday before Labor Day in Midway and it's lots of fun (and really hot :)!). There are tons of cool boutique booths, great food, live entertainment, etc. The dad from High School Musical was the announcer--my kids loved seeing him! If you're ever in Utah over this weekend, you must go. But--leave the men at home. They might get bored with all the shopping. The girls and I also got manicures and pedicures, played lots of fun games, went to church (love the Swiss style church up there) and hooked up with some wonderful friends--all of whom I've met through this wonderful hobby called scrapbooking. (Love ya Carrie, Lisa, Lisa, Jennie, Marty, Laurel, Janalee, Beth, Sunny and Mel!)
The guys all stayed home and played in football games, practiced football and watched the BYU football on Saturday (the Cougars won!). 'Tis the Season!
Last night, I helped Kade ask his "friend" (she lives two doors down!) to the Homecoming Dance. We got this cool gift bag that said "The World's a Playground and You're the Guest of Honor." When it opened, a song about being the "guest" started playing. Inside the bag we put a Queen and Company cosmetic bag (pink and so cute) filled with "Riesen" chocolate caramels and a princess Pez dispenser. On each of the Pez candies, a different word was pulled out which equaled this sentence: "There's no Riesen you shouldn't be my guest at Homecoming. Please Say Yes! Kade." We tied matching balloons to the top of the bag and my little girls went and rang and run last night. I caught Brecken spying in the window so she could see Taylor's reaction! We're waiting for her answer!
Okay--so here's my question. My 14-year-old son, Collin (on the left of the photo), is truely one sweet kid.
He's sensative, funny, a hard worker, a peacemaker and always is asking what he can do to help me. Several times this summer, I heard him sticking up for the underdog in front of his friends when they were saying unkind things. And, he's a great football player to boot! Don't get me wrong, he's not perfect (you should see his closet!), but really a nice kid. With that being said, I don't know what to do about this situation. Collin has a TV and Gamecube in his bedroom which is a pretty small room-the Gamecube's his and the TV belongs to the family. I was surprised when I saw this sign on his door a couple of weeks ago.
I asked him what was wrong with the games and he confided that nothing's wrong with them, he's just tired of Sage, Brecken, and all their cousins and friends coming into his room to use the Gamecube, then leaving it a mess.
So--Collin has a point. And for the past three weeks, no kids have entered his room so he's had the Gamecube to himself, plus a fairly clean room. But, the more I've been thinking about it, the more I'm not sure if he should leave the sign on his door. It's deceptive--something I'm trying to teach my children never to be involved in.
What would you do? Need your advice.
Lisa B.
The guys all stayed home and played in football games, practiced football and watched the BYU football on Saturday (the Cougars won!). 'Tis the Season!
Last night, I helped Kade ask his "friend" (she lives two doors down!) to the Homecoming Dance. We got this cool gift bag that said "The World's a Playground and You're the Guest of Honor." When it opened, a song about being the "guest" started playing. Inside the bag we put a Queen and Company cosmetic bag (pink and so cute) filled with "Riesen" chocolate caramels and a princess Pez dispenser. On each of the Pez candies, a different word was pulled out which equaled this sentence: "There's no Riesen you shouldn't be my guest at Homecoming. Please Say Yes! Kade." We tied matching balloons to the top of the bag and my little girls went and rang and run last night. I caught Brecken spying in the window so she could see Taylor's reaction! We're waiting for her answer!
Okay--so here's my question. My 14-year-old son, Collin (on the left of the photo), is truely one sweet kid.
He's sensative, funny, a hard worker, a peacemaker and always is asking what he can do to help me. Several times this summer, I heard him sticking up for the underdog in front of his friends when they were saying unkind things. And, he's a great football player to boot! Don't get me wrong, he's not perfect (you should see his closet!), but really a nice kid. With that being said, I don't know what to do about this situation. Collin has a TV and Gamecube in his bedroom which is a pretty small room-the Gamecube's his and the TV belongs to the family. I was surprised when I saw this sign on his door a couple of weeks ago.
I asked him what was wrong with the games and he confided that nothing's wrong with them, he's just tired of Sage, Brecken, and all their cousins and friends coming into his room to use the Gamecube, then leaving it a mess.
So--Collin has a point. And for the past three weeks, no kids have entered his room so he's had the Gamecube to himself, plus a fairly clean room. But, the more I've been thinking about it, the more I'm not sure if he should leave the sign on his door. It's deceptive--something I'm trying to teach my children never to be involved in.
What would you do? Need your advice.
Lisa B.
93 Comments:
Hi Lisa!
Glad you had a great holiday! We did to! But,summer is over - so sad!!
As for Collin - I totally understand his point! But, I agree - honesty is always best!
I think at some point the kids will figure out that the games aren't really broken and that will end up hurting feelings! I want to always be able to trust a person - that what they say, do and write is the truth - - no matter what!
Good Luck - let us know how this turns out and Kade's date!!! I'm sure Taylor is very impressed - I would be!!! How fun!
Cindy
Maybe he could change it to "unavailable" instead of broken. Same message, but true.
Clever young man - clever! He has all advantages now. Siblings / cousins out of his room. And appears that Mom (and Dad) are on his side! If this is a "family" game, then perhaps the game should be moved out of his room to a more central location and then put up a calendar giving them "equal" playing rights to the game. Just a thought. I have a 24-year-old who still, at this stage of the game, tries negotiating "his" terms. Cute. Good luck
By the way - I love the thought into the invitation. Hope you got some good photos before it was delivered.
Hi Lisa!
First, I think Kade's invitation to Taylor was charming! I hope she says yes and they have a great time!
As for the game cube problem... I'd say he could just say to his sisters and cousins that he's happy to let them play as long as they leave the room the way they found it. That seems fair. He would also take down the sign, of course.
Maybe another alternative would be for them to ask permission to hook it up in another room temporarily, and then they return it to Collin when they're done.
Hope that helps!
Can't wait for Homecoming pics!
God Bless,
Colleen
Lisa,
I am not a mom ;) but am a dad (and looking forward to your class in PHX in few weeks). I would have him change it and post the real reason, and rules that those who come in MUST clean up after themselves or can't go in again.
But then again I only have a 2yr old son and 9month old daughter so I have not really expierenced this first hand yet, so it MAY BE easier to say than do.
But I agree that putting the false reasons there is like (is?) lying, and that should not be your reason for having you son change it.
my 2 cents, but you asked for people's thoughts! :)
I can understand you not wanting Collin to be deceptive, but I can also see his point of view as far as everyone violating his space and then leaving it a mess. Maybe he could change the sign to read:
Please do not enter unless you are willing to clean up before you leave.
My boys are 18, 15 and 9 and they are constantly fighting over each other being in their space.
Good Luck.
I think Collin has a valid point, but I don't believe the sign should stay up. As you mentioned, it is deceptive. It might be better if the girls were told the truth (messing his room up, etc.) and be required to ask Collin's permission to enter his room and use the Gamecube. Perhaps the girls should also be given rules to follow when using the Gamecube, such as picking up after themselves.
you could hold a family council to discuss Collin's conserns. I would maybe talk to him about it first and see if he would like to handle it that way. Maybe if everyone is aware of the problem they can help to solve it.
Lisa I think your on the right track. If he uses this deception and finds that it works, he may use a little white lie in the future to accomplish another task whatever it may be. I would let him know that he is being deceptive, but that there is other ways to handle this situation. Maybe ask him what other ideas he can come up with. Let him problem solve it together with you.
Examples: That cousins, friends and sibling have certain times they can sign-up to use the equipment and if they leave a mess behind they have to pay a small fine or banned from using the equipment for a designated period of time. I must say he is very ingenious to come up with the initial idea1. Best of luck. You're a terrific Mom
Maybe the gamecube should be moved into the family room for everyone to use. This will keep others out of Collin's room. I would remove the sign and check on him every so often to inquire how he's doing and get hints on any hidden agenda. As a mother, we have our "mommy's intuition" 6th sense if something doesn't feel right. I get to the point w/ my 13-year daughter if I sense that.
I think you are right in wanting to take off the sign...However, in this "interesting" life we all live in, just be thankful it's about a game and not that he is doing things in his room he should'nt...
He sounds like a great kid! I would have him take the sign down. Then I would have everyone sit down together and talk it through - it isn't fair to him that everyone can just go into his room. Can you move the Gamecube to a central location? Can he have certain days or hours when people can come in and use the GC? There should certainly be rules about the "guests" cleaning up if they do use it in his room. He sounds like a resonable kid and I think given the chance would probably come up with a resonable comprimise! Good luck and let us know how it goes! :)
Love the HOmecoming invitation - very cute!!! I hope she says yes.
I'd ask him to remove the sign and have him explain to the family why he doesn't want anyone in his room any more. He could possibly have them "earn" a game license - if they play the gamecube and clean up their mess, they have a license to play again. If they leave a mess, they lose their license for a week. I also think that each child should have to ask him before they come in his room. Privacy is a big thing to a kid his age. Maybe he could set up "open times" for the gamecube - times when it is convenient for him to have visitors in his room.
Hope that helps!
Hey Lisa- Love your magazine!
We have some of the same issues in our house concerning our video game. We had a family meeting and came up with some rules that everyone must follow. Everyone gets 1/2 hour, no fighting, you have to put it away when you're done. If any of these rules are broken, they lose their next scheduled turn. Maybe you could talk to Collin about the importance of telling to total truth, what could happen if you don't (people will stop believing you all together, once you start lying you have to keep lying, if you lie often enough even you start to believe it, it's WRONG, etc.) and then have a family meeting and decide as a family the best solution for you. Then post the rules and consequences of disobeying the rules in a prominent place (maybe in place of the current sign).
Good Luck! Have a fantastic day!
I believe that TVs (and video games) should not be in bedrooms. So I say move it to the family room and then your problem is solved. Although it is his gamecube, so that makes it tricky. Maybe people just have to have his permission to play it.
We have always found that things like computers and video games do much better in a more public space in the house. Not only can we as parents then monitor what games are being played and how often these things are being used but then everyone gets an equal chance to play.
No one would bother Collin or his room if the toys weren't in there. You might see more of him as well!
We had almost the same issue at our home. Our 8yo boy was tired of his brothers & friends always being in his room, getting his things out, leaving the game disks out of the cases and never cleaning up. We tried a few of the above mentioned ideas, but ultimately what worked was a 2nd gamecube for the other kids.
I don't think its really about the sharing, it's more about him having his own space.
We have friend with older kids who are as great as yours -- responsible, mature, kind, spiritual and loving. I ahve two sets of twins -- all under 4 years old -- and they gave us a piece of advice. They said don't have tv's and computers and games in their rooms -- but in common places. teenagers have enough reason to retreat, so this gives them one more to be amongst the family. I would move it to a common place and have a sign-up sheet for times.
As for his sign -- his heart was in the right place with protecting his space, but you can help him come up with a solution that will eliminate the need for the note anyway!
I really enjoy reading about your family -- thanks for sharing your life as a mom!
Elizabeth
I think by this point he's made his point and he should take the sign down, or change it to read what he really means (no entry without permission...or words to that effect)and he needs to tell the younger ones the truth if he hasn't already.
I have a 14 year old too and it's so hard when they have cool stuff (in our case it's electric guitars) that the younger ones want to play with.
Sounds like you had a blast of a weekend! Can't wait to see some pictures from it :)
How fun to help with Homecoming asking...I look forward to that myself...it seems these days the asking is almost as important as the event...do some girls actually say 'no' after all that?...creepos!
Hi Lisa.
Your right about the sign but your son is also at the age when he needs his space and the other kids need to respect that space as well as his need for a clean room. Something about a privlidge playing in his room not an expectation. So, I would replace the sign with something more appropriate and to the point. Violaters will be banned for an appropriate time :). Every kid needs to learn to clean up after themselves, expecially when their a guest.
I'm waiting to hear your wise advice....my kids are still young and we haven't had to face that dilemma! Lisa, could I ask a huge favor from you? I know you don't know me from Adam, but a very dear patient of mine just died this last weekend from almost a year- long battle with breast cancer. You always have really great ideas to make occasions more special for your friends and family. In her last e-mail to us she was asking for some ideas to make this Christmas special for her four children ages 11, 9, 7, and 3. They have a loving dad, but the loss of their mother is unbearable for them. Ideas of things our office could do for them would be great. My heart is so heavy for her sweet kids who saw her experience more than they should in their young years. And she fought a hard fight with grace and faith until the very end. One of her reasons for persevering was for her future grandchildren. She often said, "My grandchildren will need me!" It's so heart wrenching! There's no doubt she's in the presence of our Lord, but her absence from this earth is tremendous. I know you're super busy and won't get my hopes up that you'll reply soon. But if you ever get a minute to think of something, I would be indebted to you! (I could clean your teeth or something :B !) Thanks, Lisa!
Kathy Stilwell
lonjackat@yahoo.com
Well, since the gamecube is his, and obviously has been so willing to share...he should have a certain time(s) during the week when visitors are allowed. And then they are only allowed if they clean up after themselves. If they do not, then priviledges are revoked for the following week.
Just something to think about. Doesn't parenting just keep you on your toes!!
I would guess that he worded the sign like he did as to not hurt their feelings. It is a lie though and must come down with the truth being told. I would bet that this has more to do then the mess left behind. He's at an age where he needs/wants his personal space. If people are allowed to come and go as they please this doesn't allow him any privacy. I would have him sit down with his sisters and explain that he would like them to ask before entering his room and to play the gamecube. It should also be understood that everything is placed back in the manner it was when they arrived. The point should also be made that it's OK for him to say no from time to time, as this is his personal space. I have two kids, 18 girl, 12 boy and going into each other's rooms without permission is a big NO NO here. I hope this helps. It's important for him to be honest and share his feelings, even if it might disappoint someone else.
Glad you had a great weekend...sounds like fun...I got to go camping with my little sister who lives out of town...what a blast!
Collin sounds like my Brennan. I understand his stand as well as yours...tough call. I would probably hold a family meeting and let Collin explain to his siblings why he put up the sign and maybe if they can learn to respect his area and his things then maybe he would allow them to play with his Gamecube...just my two cents.
Honestly, I never wanted any gaming system in my house, but reluctantly gave in this past Christmas...I wish I would have stuck to my guns!
Hi Lisa - First of all, the invite from Kade sounds adorable! You guys always know how to make everything so much fun!! Also, it sounds like your "girls' weekend" was awesome!!
Now, onto Collin - it is obvious that he is a great kid, after all, he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, that's why he put the sign up. Still, it should come down and the truth should come from him...the truth always comes out, and if the girls/cousins hear it from someone else or accidentally, it will really hurt them. I think that scheduled times when the girls can use the gamecube (either in Collin's room or a central location) would be the best idea. If it can only be in Collin's room, then he should set the ground rules...but, lying doesn't solve anything.
I think that Collin should be able to establish some of his own rules reguarding his room. Just buy him his own TV and then let him decide who gets to play and when. If he gets out of hand, which I doubt he will, then talk to him about it. Boys need their time alone, especially with 2 little sisters. I have a son and 2 daughter, and this actually worked for us. By the way....you are my idol!
I think you r right. I also would not be happy with the sign remaining up. I think you should give Collin a chance to come up with the "rules of engagement" if he wants to keep the game and tv in his room. After you and Steve discuss them with him, he can post them on his door, and have a family meeting to present them. If the girls aren't willing to abide by them, then they won't have any GC.
I would gently remind him about his deception towards those he loves. Perhaps setting up a time when his room is available for 'use' might help. It could be time to either get him his own t.v. or move the gamecube out of his room, that might be alittle tough if Collin has earned or paid for the gamecube himself. He sounds like a wonderful young man, and I'm sure he will keep an open mind about making it work.
have a great wk, dolores
I'm still laughing about the sign! I think it's cute....he says PLease at the end of it even. How cute is that?
I wouldn't worry too much about the sign. I think everyone here had good ideas. Maybe not have the TV/game in his room for everyone to use. Perhaps for him it's more of a "privacy" or wanting his own space more than about using the game and messing his room. He's probably at that age where kids need that space.
I would take the sign down tho...could make the other kids get in a uproar soon. Ha!
It could have been a way worse sign like Example: No girls allowed or take a hike! So no worries!
Hi Lisa, your town you visited sounds like our Leavenworth here in Washington. Glad you had a great time.
What a fun invitation to a homecoming dance, did you think of it or did Kade? ;o)
As for Collin---yes the sign should come down and be replaced with something that he and his siblings come up with...."Gamecube hours"; Rules of play/cleanup; a sign up sheet; another place for the "family tv" and check out system for the gamecube. Have the rules posted and easily read by everyone. Does he have an organizational system for his games? A get it out put it away policy maybe. I like the idea above of having some sort of "fee" if things are left not the way he left them (you did say he does have a somewhat typical messy boy's room right?). Good luch and post your solution.
Ann
I would move the game to a central location as well. Set up a time limit per kid.
I agree that if you let him keep the sign up, he'll be learning that deception can get him what he wants. I think that asking him to have a talk with his sister and apologizing for the deception would make him less likely to do it to someone else in the future. Tough one! Good luck! (I feel for him, too! He needs his own space.)
I have a son your son's age and he also is a nice boy. He even has a clean room for the most part but he does have stinky feet from time to time. (so he's not perfect) He too sticks up for the underdog and takes the heat for it. At times I think that boys are worse than girls when it comes to being cady. Jacob is funny about his room, he is my child that needs his downtime. He doesn't mind sharing but he needs his time to unwind. He has the playstaion at our house and has put up a sign from time to time. Instead of continuing with the sign we move the game console to a common area for a time out from his room. A week or so later he welcomes the crew back. Its not that jake doesn't love the company its that he needs sometime to relax. Our kids keep crazy busy schedules like we do. We take downtime with our girls scrapbooking and they might take sometime gaming. What for its worth I think you are raising fantastic kids and your son isn't evil he just took a break. Keep smiling Lisa, you are a GREAT mom
Hi Lisa,
I think that because the Gamecube belongs to Collin and is in HIS room, he should have some control over who comes in, when they come in and how they clean up after. Maybe he could have a door knob hanger that he could hang up when he doesn't want company and they can only play it if they cleaned up after themselves the last time they played. Good luck!
I like the suggestions of a family discussion, also brainstorming with your son as to a better way to solve this problem without the deception. I also like the idea of coming up with some rules as to when it is OK to use the GC (by others), i.e., only when Collin is home so he can check on the mess before they leave.
At our house, we don't allow any games or TVs in the kids' rooms and video game time is severely limited. They have to do chores to earn even small amounts of game time (on family computer). Works like a charm! It is a huge motivator. And the kids spent all summer reading! I was astounded. My one son visited with my in-laws by himself for a few days and when asked if he wanted to watch TV, he refused every time (except once) and chose to read instead. Once they are not used to watching & playing video games, they find other things to fill their time & brains.
Not meaning to sound that our way is a better way. It is just what has worked with our family. I strongly believe that each family has to find what works for them. Good luck!
We are a family with 4 kids too and none of my children have their own tv, gamecube, or internet access in their rooms. You're right, it is deceptive, and even though there may be some light to this now, what seed is it planting for your son? For our family, we have decided that these types of technology toys belong in the family room, where we can monitor activity. There is nothing wrong with sharing and we are often taught these important principles in Primary.
put the game cube and tv in a common room for every one to use or buy his own tv!!
The t.v. is the families and the gamecube is his... I guess I would have him tell the truth first of all. "The games aren't broken, but I don't like the mess you make in my room." I would suggest to Collin that he give everyone another chance after laying some ground rules for his room. Or put a game unit in a central location. I don't think its fair to take his away and give it to the family, but maybe a unit could be purchased for the family.
If it's everyone's gamecube-why is it in Collin's room?? I would put it in the family room where everyone has access to it, and it's not going to disturb Collin.
Just sounds like he's tired of people being in his room and at the age of 14, I can see how he wants some privacy. I can see how he would get tired of everyone in his room.
Maybe ask if he would move the Gamecube into a common area, but he would always have first dibs on using it. Or leave it in his room and the other kids could only use it at specified times.
TV's and videos are best left in family areas. This way there can be more monitoring happening. The plus side is that his room would stay clean and you would also know exactly who and how much the machine is being played.
My kids aren't quite as old as Kade is, but I always swore I wouldn't let them have game consoles or TV's in the bedrooms. Is there another room in the house it could go? I totally understand his feelings, I don't want all the kids in my room either. ;)
Lisa,
Love your blog. I agree with above posters. Its Collins room and has a right to privacy. But as a family gamecube he does not have to right to lie to keep his sisters out. I honestly think it should be moved to a central location and each child should have their own time on it. We have a game cube and its located in the family room so everyone has a chance to play it without messing up each others rooms in the process. Just my 2 cents.
Hi Lisa,
first off I love your blog always so inspiring.
I belive Collin has a right to his room and his privacy. That being said, I dont feel its right for him to lie to keep his sisters out. I think the gamecube should be moved to a central location so everyone has a fair chance to play it without messing up each others rooms or messing with their stuff.
I agree with you that the sign is deceptive. I also think that maybe you should have the family meeting to discuss it. Since the Gamecube is his, but the tv belongs to the family,that should be pointed out to him as well. Maybe there can be a compromise for the girls to use it with restrictions. But in my opinion the sign should be changed or come down. P.S. love the creative way Kade asked his girl to the dance. Let us know what happens!
it sounds to me like he just wants some privacy and the ability to not have everyone in his room whenever they want. have him take down the sign, talk to everyone who likes to play the game and lay out some rules, but also give him the ability to say no, either by a sign on the door or some other method, letting others know when he wants his room to himself. hope this makes sense.
I agree with everyone else...the sign is deceitful and should be changed or taken down. Although, coming from a big family myself, I identify with the feeling Collin has about his stuff! Maybe there's some compromise he can make with the girls, especially since the tv belongs to the family. I'm sure you'll be able to resolve this peacefully, you seem like a great mom. Love the creative idea that Kade used to ask his girl out!
We have a similiar situation at our house. Son is in his own room with Playstation, 3 daughters share a room. I think having Collin confess to the girls what he did, and then tell them why would be a good start. Then, sit down together and come up with some rules that will allow Collin some privacy and allow the others to play in there (available times to play, length of time, cleanliness, etc.) Have Collin make a sign with the rules and post THAT one on the door as a gentle reminder to others. Sounds as if he wants to do the right thing.
Oh - and good luck to Kade - wouldn't it be great if our HUSBANDS did something like this for us? Mine did when we were in college, but now...life gets in the way! But I still love him to death!
-Lisa
Go Cougars! My cousin is on the BYU team this year: Kaneakua Friel
I think that you have an excellent point in teaching your children not to be deceptive! Maybe some ground rules regarding the other kids in his room might help?
Lisa:
We don't let anyone in our family have a tv in their bedroom. Nor does anyone have a PC. Put the tv in a shared family room.
kathy
Lot's of good advice here. I especially like Cynthia's... simple. I'm most impressed that Lisa, while a busy woman, is so involved with her kids, helping them build their character...good job mom!
I like some of the comments everyone mentioned. Collin sounds like the kind of person that enjoys making others happy. I think if he were given other alternatives/solutions, he might choose that. This might be the only solution he could think of at the time.
For sure address him about the sign. Have a family council to bring up the situation if necessary. If everyone can participate, they'll be more likely to stick to the rules. The siblings and cousins/friends probably don't realize they are the reason the game is "broken" so how can they improve themselves if they aren't aware something needs to change. If they treat Collin's room that way, what do they do at other people's houses?
Hopefully Collin will be able to find a solution that makes everyone happy.
Have him take down the sign.
Then have him apologize to his siblings for the lie about the broken games.
Then he should tell them how he doesn't like that they weren't respecting him or his space and that if they want to play the games all they need to do is ask him.
If they make a mess, he should feel free to tell them no.
Growing up is hard, there are times when we need to be helicopter moms and make everyone line up. This is one of those times when he needs to learn leadership, and the others really need to learn what it is to respect anothers space.
I'd have to go with others and ask him to change the note to say either they only play with his permission or under certain terms like cleaning up after themselves. He is getting to that age where he wants his privacy. I'd consider moving it out if they don't respect his request. Good Luck!
The homecoming invite is so cute, I can't imagine a girl that would turn down such a thoughtful invitation.
As for the sign on the room, my thoughts are that in a full house like yours (I have 6 kids) most children and especially as they get older are just wanting some control of their own environment and wanting to enjoy being an individual. I do think the sign is deceptive and would worry that this easy solution might become easier and easier. I would approach it with encouraging a more honest dialog with siblings. Teaching Collin to work out rules for his room and holding others accountable according to family rules gives him a sense of control and great skills to work with others as life keeps coming.
Good Luck, trying to keep a crowd all moving forward and making choices that will build character is a humbling and wonderful job.
Love your blog.
Kim, Puyallup
He does sound like a great kid, but I"m sure ya already know at this age they want there own space. If your not buying him a new t.v and his own gamecube just for his room I'd take the game and the t.v. out of his room and put it in a "lots of kid" friendly place in your home. I don't have playstattion or the gamecube in my 13 and 12 yr old's room it's in the family room hooked up to a 22 inch t.v. that sits next to the bigger family t.v. I do like it in the family room mainly becuase all the kids are in one room and not upstairs in my boys rooms and two, it's my way of being able to keep an eye out and ear to..lol
good luck hope you find a solution that everyone is happy with ;)
I don't believe that the gamecube should be moved into a more family location, especially if it belongs to Collin. He was being generous enough to allow others to play, but they were not respecting his room. completely reasonable... but I agree, the sign is deceptive, and basically lying. Maybe he could- if he is still willing to share (and the kind of kid you described probably is :) ) he should give a 'schedule' for others to be able to play, on the condition that things are left as they are found.
I, a mother of 3, feel if the gamecube is his, he does have a right to say who can come in and play it, although sharing would be nice. I do see his point of wanting his room to be his own space. Maybe let him know that the sign must come down because it is a lie, but the others have to ask him to come in and play it. Maybe make the suggestion that he may want to work to purchase his own t.v to play it on! Good luck!
I would have him take the sign down.Then set up what days and times for others to use.Plus make a list of rules for all who enters to follow.If they don't follow the rules you could use the three strikes there out for so long.
Nell-Ann
I think a time that they can come in, maybe an hour a day is appropriate. Or if they are his, then he needs to explain they are his and they can only be used with his permission and sometimes he may not want them to use them too! Third option, if he doesn't mind him using htem but his room gets messed up, maybe move the gamecube to another room!
Hi Lisa,
This is what I say, I understand he doesn't want his room messed up, so you explain it to the girls and co. that if they leave it a mess they cannot use it for a week, if they leave it a mess again, then they can't use it for two weeks, if they leave it a mess again, then Collin gets to decide when they can come back and use it again. It's better that way, the girls can still play, but need to learn to respect their brother and his things. Win-win situation, they all are happy and no one has to mislead anyone else.
Kay
Okay, I read this yesterday and am only answering because there are just 13?!?!?! comments. I thought that SURELY there would be HUNDREDS of ideas (and I haven't read any of the 13).
I would probably have Collin "come clean" about the sign and him see how people feel about being deceived. Then I'd have him ask them for their solution so that the GameCube isn't monopolized by them and he can have the majority of time with it since it's his (right??). Or at least everyone gets EQUAL time (if it's a group thing.. sorry that I don't recall if you said).
Maybe there can be days and times that the GameCube will be made available to others - even a schedule, if necessary. If you miss your time, you are either out of luck or you see if someone else will swap their time with you (maybe when they would otherwise lose theirs due to a more pressing commitment).
Gee, I've always thought 'how wonderful' to have so many children (I have 3, of very different ages)... but THIS is the part about it that I don't envy.
GOOD LUCK and I am anxious to hear how it turns out. :)
Melissa
I would have him take the note down and tell him why.
As far as the game cube goes. If it is his, he can tell them they no longer can use it as they abused it and made a mess in his room.
As for them going in his room...he really can't stop them when it is a community TV..
haven't crossed that bridge with my boys yet since they're only 4 & 2, but... At 14, I think Collin deserves some privacy and respect for his space. If the TV is "family" then some time needs to be designated for "family access" each day. Use of the games and his room should be conditional on the users straightening up after themselves. OR, if Collin doesn't want the "family" in his room using his games, he needs to purchase the TV from the family or buy one of his own.
Just my 2 cents...
Becki in KY
I would move the game cube to an area in your home that is shared by all.
The thing that always works in my family, Lisa, and in my classroom (I'm a teacher) is to have a family meeting or a class meeting and discuss the issue. Collin needs to hear how you feel about it, as well as how his siblings, cousins and friends feel about it!! You may be pleasantly surprised how he will feel when confronted with this, and hopefully he will then be empowered to solve this problem all on his own once he hears what everyone has to say. And, on the flip side, your other children and his friends and cousins will learn something as well - they'll hear Collin's expectations, if they're going to be in his room, using his things. I think it will be a win-win situation all the way around. Good luck; let us know how it turns out!!
I love the INVITE idea.. and If I ever got one of those as a young lady.. I would have been tickled!!! What a great mom for doing that with him.. Ü
#1 I would have him take the sign down... It's been a couple weeks so his point really should already have been "seen"...
However... anyone wanting to go into his room to play with the system should have to ask permission.. and maybe at a family dinner.. or family night... I would bring it to everyone's attention.. let him share his feelings.. and see what the others have to say.. I'm a big believer in personal space.. but I'm also a big believer in sharing... set down some rules and guidelines that they ALL have to follow.. If Collin doesn't like it.. maybe take the TV out of his room and have him earn one.. but it doesn't sound to me like he's a NON sharing kind of kid.. so I'm sure it will all work out...
I wish you the best!!!
hello - i too love swiss days - i remember them well (i currently live in IL) We too have our gamecube and PS2 in the kids room (which they all share) when they leave the room a mess, they lose their privileges, espically when they mess my eldest's bed. we all need to learn to get along and respect other peoples space. i'd have the sign taken down - it is wrong to hang it. just sit down and explain the situation.
I, too, think that the sign has to come down because it is deceptive. I do think that he is entitled to his own space, however, and his privacy shouldn't be invaded. He owns the Gamecube, so his sister and her friends should not be using it without his permission. I'm not sure if he is annoyed about them using his "stuff" without permission, or if he is just annoyed that they make a mess and use the Gamecube whenever they want. If he doesn't mind them using it whenever they want, as long as they clean up after themselves, then coming up with a list of rules would be a good solution. He could post those on his door (and he should have the most input in terms of what rules are set up, as it is his Gamecube). However if he doesn't want them using it at all without his permission each time, then that should be respected by everyone, and his sister should have to ask each time she wants to use it. Having grown up with a little brother who was always going through my room and using my stuff without permission (and not leaving things the way he found them), I can certainly sympathize with your son's feelings. He should be able to have belongings and a space that are just his, and his sister needs to respect that. This issue has to be addressed now (when it's first been identified as a problem), otherwise there could be hard feelings that are carried into the future, that drive a wedge in the family dynamic, and in their relationship.
Lizzy
lizzy.simpson@gmail.com
Ask Collin to re-word the sign so it is truthful. Have a family conference to discuss problem, then brainstorm solutions together. Establish the understanding of "each to their own space, each to repsect the other's space". This will lead to a general rule of "leave it as you found it"!
It is his Gamecube, however, if he feels like being generous with his "toy" then he shouldn't have his generosity taken for granted. Leaving his room messy might feel to him as if they have broken his Cube. (I'm the big sister and have three kids.) Maybe he could use a sign-up sheet to play and then require a quick cleanup when game time is done.
Lisa,
Meeting you last week and getting the royal treatment was a blast. Sage is adorable and we were totally amused and charmed by her. I love the Homecoming invite. I had to share that one with my daughter!
As far as the Gamecube in the bedroom, you are a way nicer mom than I am. If I was Collin's mom, it would be in a room that could be accessed by the entire family. I know, I'm a meanie! That being said, I think he has a valid point with the girls trashing his BR. There is nothing worse than having a teenager's private space violated. So I agree that if Collin gets to keep the Gamecube in his room, the deception should end and some rules need to be established for those entering.
There's my two-cents worth for ya! Thanks again for the fun time (and goodies) with the girls from Sacramento, CA!
-Lisa B.
Lisa,
I originally thought that the Gamecube should be moved to a room everyone could access, but then I thought, the Gamecube was Colin's and he should be able to have it in his own room. The note is wrong and should be removed. I think some rules should be made up and if the other kids don't obey the rules then I think Colin should be able to have the Gamecube to himself. Your bedroom is your own domain. Everyone needs their own space and if other kids can't obey the rules, then they should not be allowed to go into Colin's room. On other note, I'm in the process of redoing my scrapbook room and would love to see some pictures of your room and the room you just visited. Do you have any you could share. Let me know at crazamamas010562@verizon.net. Thank you.
I have to agree with Mike on some points, but having raised children from preschool age to Teenagers at the same time in the same house we had a few rules that needed to be set. We had a Nintendo game that belonged to our oldest son, it was his Christmas present and in order for anyone else to play they had to ask his permission even though it was hooked up to a family TV. Our solution was to purchase a tv/game cart on wheels. When his siblings had friends or family over and wanted to play the games they asked his permission, if he was not playing it, he always said yes. Once that was done we would wheel the cart into a common room where it would not bother anyone else in the house. The younger kids could play to their hearts content, and when finished they cleaned everything up and then we would put it back in our son's room. This kept everyone happy! Maybe it would work for your bunch as well!
Hi Lisa!
This is a tough dilemma. On the one hand, you don't want him to be deceptive. But on the other hand, he is a really good kid and the Gamecube is his. I would make him take the sign down, because the sign is the deception. However, I would also speak with him in private about how you guys, as a family, can handle the situation. Acknowledge that the others are being disrespectful of his possessions and space. And that is wrong. Have him come up with a solution for the problem. This is a great opportunity to teach him to stand up for himself and his rights without being aggressive or confrontational. It is also a great lesson in creating a "win-win" solution to the problem. Once Colin has come up with a solution to the problem that you are in agreement with - then you can call a family meeting and encourage Colin to express his feelings about the issue. If he uses an "I message" and is able to communicate his feelings about the situation and then propose a solution - that is great! It will also be a great lesson for the others about respecting someone's feelings and possessions. This is actually a great issue to address because there are so many values you can teach and reinforce.
What a great invitation for Taylor! We had some boys here competing for the best invitations to prom and it was fun! One was a giant sign on the building before seminary, one was a huge boulder left in the front yard, and one was even the invitation written in the fresh-fallen snow in her front yard-which isn't often in Arkasas!
As for the Gamecube/tv issue, here is my two cents! First of all, I think that I read right that the Gamecube is his, but the tv is a family tv. I know that it is nice for him to have the tv in his room with the Gamecube already set up and ready to play. If it is like our house, it is also nice that the tv in one of the main rooms isn't being used for video games. However, it is in his room and it is his Gamecube. The problem is not the Gamecube being used, but the invasion of his room and the mess being left. The children should be held responsible for cleaning it up when they leave. Actually, they should not be touching anything except the system, games, and controllers when they are in there. It is really just a matter of respect for the property of others. Maybe he could compromise on a time that they can be in there if they will promise to follow the room rules. Isn't that exactly what we want them to learn? They earn the privilege of using others' things as long as they follow the rules and treat those things with respect.If they don't follow the rules, they lose the privilege. Good luck!!
What a fun way to end the summer! Sounds like a blast! We made tons of great memories this summer too and Labor Day weekend was the icing on the cake!
What an awesome son you have, all your kids seem so sweet and sincere. I agree, Collin has a good reason for doing what he did, but again, honesty is always best. Maybe it is time for a family meeting? Talk about respecting one anothers' space, privacy and belongings. I know we recently had to talk to our kids about how Mom and Dad's room is our sanctuary from the rest of life... well, you know what I mean. Anyway, the all responded well and have been angels about knocking and not going in when we aren't home, etc.
Best of luck, I am sure you'll be able to work it out!!!
Darla
Move the gamecube to a more centrally located area. kids sometimes just need a little space for themselves. I agree you should talk to him about being honest - he could have just told his siblings he needs some time to himself or to clean up.
Lisa,
Your gut is telling you something, and that's probably because somewhere down the road Collin will need the lesson you are about to teach him. You have a Father that loves both of you, and you are entitled to the inspiration you'll seek and receive, you probably already have. That's the most important thing I have to say.
That said, -a) let him make rules about how and when others may use his room and how they need to leave it when they are done. Attach consequences. -b) Promise to, and help him to, enforce the rules.
Also, Thank You for sharing about Collin's Eagle Scout Project. I was just put in charge of a project for our neighborhood, and we will be doing something similar - thanks to you guys.
Abby
If you were my Mother, I would arrive home from school with a note on my door that stated, "Since Gamecube is broken, the TV has been removed."
I would have a one-on-one and explain that I know you didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings about leaving your room a mess, but not confronting the situation doesn't elminate the problem. If they make a mess, then they should clean it, or not be allowed in the room to share in the playing of the game.
From everything I have read on your blog you kids are great.
..I would tell Collin the situation and see what he thinks the best answer is. You can explain it to him in a way so that he undertands that the note was not honest. how he thinks the gamecube and the TV could be shared. I think you might be surprised at what he might say. As well as being proud of the choice he may make..
On another note...My family and I are moving to Utah can you tell me anything about the Cedar Hills area? It is where we just got a home...How is life in UT from what I have seen over my 3 day visit it is beautiful....
Thank you,
Rachel.schulz@sbcglobal.net
Madam,
I regret to say to you that I must stop the practice of my passion which is the scrapbooking.
Indeed, since 2004 that I discovered this popular art, and after having made its promotion in all Normandy, as themselves say it the journalists of my country (France), through my art exhibitions, I do not support more the many threats and defamatory remarks made with my opposition, requiring my fast departure of the sector of the scrapbooking, held by a group of professional french scrapbookeurs it would seem, which, with each time I publish something on the scrapbooking on my blog, hastens to pollute this last of aggressive messages.
They did not hesitate to dirty the memory of members of my family deceased, and about my handicaped grandma.
Moreover, these people hawk on others blogs remarks more than doubtful on my person, so that nobody addresses any more the word to me.
I am more than surprised that this popular art conveys as much hatred, me which believed, by practising it, capacity to make me friends there.
Since I practise it, being with research of employment, which I note, they are that ideas were taken to me for the trade of people (for an example, the name of my blog was taken to make a brand of scrapbooking products for example), pressures have be exerted on me, it me has be required to plagiarize international virtual gallery people for their magazines (what I refused to make), the contracts of employment and the wages were refused to me to carry out work in this sector in my country (France), under pretext which "surprise" and glory would be quite sufficient like reward, and which it to be remunerated to work.
???
As, Madam, will know as I respect much what you ridges, like your company, and the scrapbooking in general, but considering the experiment that I had of it here, I prefer to give up his practice, rather than to be regularly the object of such ashamed acts.
A law firm advised me to carry felt sorry for to the french public prosecutor, for all the received remarks that they advised me to register.
To date, I am in full depression, and I am in the incapacity to work.
All that I wanted, it was to carry out my dreams, and to find a work in the schools in order to continue to teach the scrapbooking with the children, as I had started to do it in the past with success and with the congrats of families. With my anticipated thanks, please receive, Madam, my respecteuses greetings.
Merci beaucoup for the great things you do Madame.
PROLIX
french job seeker & artist
{ThE fReNcH tOuCh}
http://prolix.typepad.fr/le_petit_scraperon_jaune_/bienvenue.html
PRESSBOOK :
http://www.scrapbookresumes.com/AudreyProlix/index.html
I wouldn't sweat it. He just doesn't want his space being invaded and is trying to find a more polite way of saying "Leave me alone"...
I'm sure you haven't been 100% truthful 100% of the time. If you were, you wouldn't be human.
He's not hurting anyone so I wouldn't worry about it. He could be doing a lot worse things.
:)
First off, I do not think children need televisions in their bedrooms. It is not really fair expecting him to be "hospitable" whenever his brothers/sisters want to play the games and he may want to be alone. He should be able to have privacy when he wants some and not be required to give it up because the gaming system is in his room.
My opinion would be to find a family space to hook up the game and let him have his room to himself.
I think it's crazy to say I wouldn't sweat it because he knows that you know about the lie and if you don't say anything about it, what does he learn? Yah, this one is small and doesn't really hurt anyone, but this is the perfect opportunity to help him build some more great character! I'm not a strict mom, but little white lies aren't any better than big fat lies; they are both lies. Letting him have a tv in his room isn't at question here, the problem is, what to do about the note on the door, right? I think you know what to do because if it wasn't bothering you, you wouldn't have asked. You are raising good kiddos, I'll bet your instincts are telling you what needs to be done!
Take the tv that is yours out of the room and compromise on the gamecube. You can't buy a cart before you buy the horse. So, I guess if a compromise can't be made, then, he needs to start saving for a tv.
Video games, tvs, computers are not good in children's rooms anyway. Simplify life!
Hi Lisa,
It is his room and his Game Cube and frankly, in the middle of a large family, he most likely wants to have his own space and not want to be bothered. I would not be worried about him leaving the sign up. He wants them all out without having to be upfront and risk hurting his sisters' and cousins' feelings. He does not want to be confrontational but he also deserves his own time. As for the "white lie" comment...well, I will speak for myself. I have done it when I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. You say he is a peacemaker...well, that's exactly what's he's trying to be. He does not want to tell his sisters and cousins to get out and start bickering and does not want to get blamed for starting the bickering to begin with by not letting them in. He sounds like a really great son, so helpful to you around the house and so many teens are not like that. I think you should let him handle this on his own and therefore, let him handle the consequences. I hope I didn't offend anyone.
First of all, my son would be angry with me for outing him on a public blog. Anyway, he just needs his space. He's not trying to be deceptive on purpose, but he needs to learn to be more assertive when he needs time to himself and to be able to tell his friends that he doesn't want to play games.
He may also be feeling like his friends are only interested in his toys, and not him. Maybe help him organize some other activities with his friends that involve more "quality time"
Lisa, I think it is so sweet that he added please to the bottom of his note. That shows he is the good boy you say he is. I agree with the comment above that said maybe the gamecube should be moved to a more centrally located area. If he objects to that since it belongs to him maybe there could be times designated when it is off limits so that he could have time in his room that is for himself and he doesn't have to share at their whim. And they would have to agree to clean all messes up or lose game privelages for an agreed upon amount of time for each offense. It sounds like he has been a very good sport about having siblings in his room up until now. I agree that the deception is not ok and this is one of those great "teaching opportunities" that we are often presented with as parents.
Thanks for all you do. God Bless you!
Family meeting time, Collin needs to be honest about lying. And the others need to respect his room. I dealt with this all the time with my two boys.
because the gamecube is collin's, i think that maybe he should save up for his own television or ask for one for his b-day or christmas. i understand his feelings about not wanting to have other people in his room. he needs to have his own personal space. make it a rule that you need to be personally invited by collin in order to play in his room. that way he will feel like he is in charge. he won't have to be deceptive in order to be in control.
Hi, Lisa! Collin will be a father one day, and it's perfectly okay for him to set up boundaries and standards. I'm sure you have boundaries your children are expected to abide by. Perhaps you can explain to him that you don't set your own rules and boundaries for the family by deceiving the family, and you expect the same of him. Then brainstorm with him what to put on a sign that would let his little sisters know what the limits are. Perhaps, "I'm tired of cleaning up YOUR mess. Gamecube is off limits unless I'm in here with you." Or, "Games or controllers left out instead of put away will be removed for my use only for two weeks." Helping him set limits that are appropriate, and without lying, is helping him become a fair and qualified father and family leader.
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